Where does it come from? It's so suffocating, not just figuratively. I find it hard to breathe. I hesitate before climbing the stairs to my apartment. Will my roommates notice the tears in my eyes? I don't want any of them to see me and ask what's wrong. I don't have an answer for them. I'd be okay if Joy saw me. She knows what it's like. We've talked about it before.
Thankfully no one is home. I go into my room and for a few moments I feel like I'm actually going to be okay. I even consider trying to be social and meet new people in the ward. Then the thoughts start coming again, and the tears start falling, dripping off my face.
Please, not again! I've got to find a way to distract and calm myself. I decide to block out all thoughts by listening to music while latch-hooking. It doesn't take too much concentration, but enough to keep my mind occupied. I go to the living room to grab something before starting. I realize that the bathroom, kitchen, and living room lights are all on. I consider turning them off. I hate wasting electricity. Then I think, "Wait, if I turn off all the lights, what if Janae come over and thinks no one's home? I'm not going to answer the door if anyone knocks, but Janae would come in after knocking." So I leave them on.
I hate crying in front of people. I hate turning to them when I'm like this. I hate being alone. I just need someone to hug me until it all goes away. Why won't these thoughts stop?!
I don't hate myself!! So why do I feel so worthless, so selfish, so childish? Why do I feel like I will fail? Why don't I believe in myself?
Then Joy comes in and gives me a hug and we talk. She reads what I wrote, and for a lot of the time we just sit there in silence. She distracts me, and when Lisa and Matt show up, I'm feeling good enough to go into the living room and reminisce about the trip to New York.
Looking back, today was a really good day. I had fun in my classes, and though work was stressful, the customers were all nice. Why does it happen?
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