I am not alone

This is a poem I wrote in March of 2012. It took me a bit of searching to find it again, but it's another one that I wrote when I was struggling with depression. I am not alone Thoughts begin to barrage me, I can feel myself slipping; Fighting back seems so futile, And my tears begin dripping. I hug myself close and pray; I can't fight this pain and fear. I feel scared and so alone. Please Father, I need Thee here. I'm surrounded by silence. Why do my prayers go unheard?! Why don't I feel the Spirit? Do I lack faith in Thy word? Thy words hold so much comfort: "Fear not," Thou commandest me. I need to trust Thy promise that I'll be upheld by Thee. As I ponder these scriptures the seed so long ago sown at last takes root in my heart. I know I am not alone. At times though strength will fail me, I have faith in Thy commands. "Be still and know...I am God," "for all flesh is in mine hands." My faith becomes unshaken; The Spirit makes my heart full. "There's no doubt He hears your prayers," It now whispers to my soul. I know now Thou art near me. Thy words whisper from above, "[For] I will encircle thee [child], in the arms of my love." Thou shalt "wipe away all tears." Come, fight my battles for me. With Thy strength I stand again. My heart reposes in Thee. Quoted (and other related) scriptures- Joshua 1:5, 9 Isaiah 41:10, 13 Rev. 7:17 Rev. 21:4 D&C 6:20, 34, 36-37 D&C 84:88 D&C 88:63 D&C 101:16 D&C 105:14 The reason I like this poem so much is because when I wrote it I wanted to make it a chiasmus. It's not perfect (like...REALLY not perfect), but it was meant so that you could "fold it in half", leaving the middle paragraph as the main point of the poem. It's kinda like the first half of each line is me struggling, and the second half is either me not struggling, or the Lord talking to me. Here's how it reads - Thoughts begin to barrage me, My heart reposes in Thee. I can feel myself slipping; With Thy strength I stand again. Fighting back seems so futile. Come, fight my battles for me. And my tears begin dripping. Thou shalt "wipe away all tears." I hug myself close and pray; "[rest] in the arms of my love." I can't fight this pain and fear."I will encircle thee." I feel scared and so alone. Thy words whisper from above. Please Father, I need Thee here. I know now Thou art near me. I'm surrounded by silence. It now whispers to my soul. Why do my prayers go unheard?! "There's no doubt He hears your prayers," Why don't I feel the Spirit? The Spirit makes my heart full. Do I lack faith in Thy word? My faith becomes unshaken; Thy words hold so much comfort: "for all flesh is in mine hands." "Fear not," Thou commandest me. "Be still and know...I am God," I need to trust Thy promise. I have faith in Thy commands. that I'll be upheld by Thee, at times though strength will fail me, As I ponder these scriptures the seed so long ago sown at last takes root in my heart. I know I am not alone. In a chiasmus the center is the most important point. For me, the most important thing is holding onto my testimony of the Gospel. It's what allows me to keep going.

Experience

I can feel the darkness trying to take hold. Just shake it off and smile, or so I am told. But I'm so tired. It feels like the battle will never end. It drags me down, tells me I'm alone with no friend. But maybe the lie is that I need to feel loved to feel peace; That if I have a best friend or a spouse, then the pain will somehow cease. But believing that means I won't be happy until my course has been run, Every battle has ended and the war has been won. Though the darkness may be the thorn in my side, Knowing in Whom I trust can help me stem the tide. The darkness will still come, but I don't have to let it take hold. I can feel peace here and now, because I'm part of Thy fold. I wrote that today during church when I was having a hard time focusing. These last few weeks (and months) have been rougher for me in regards to depression then I've experienced for awhile now. Elder Neal A Maxwell said, "By pressing forward hopefully, we can, repeatedly and joyfully, stand on what was yesterday's distant horizon, thereby drawing even further hope from our very own experiences. Hence Paul described how "tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope" (Rom. 5:3-4). Therefore, we rightly sing of God, "We've proved him in days that are past". A few weeks ago I wrote the following about that quote - For whatever reason this makes me think of my experience with depression. Sometimes the future feels impossibly or unbearable. But when I break out of that cycle I find new strength. Ad as that cycle comes back time and time again I learn to be patient with (and to love) myself in those dark moments. Now when I'm down, sometimes the only thing I can hold onto is the knowledge that I will break through the darkness again, however long that may take. Experience tells me that the darkness won't hold me down forever. And that experience allows me to feel hope even in my darkest moments.