Experience

I can feel the darkness trying to take hold. Just shake it off and smile, or so I am told. But I'm so tired. It feels like the battle will never end. It drags me down, tells me I'm alone with no friend. But maybe the lie is that I need to feel loved to feel peace; That if I have a best friend or a spouse, then the pain will somehow cease. But believing that means I won't be happy until my course has been run, Every battle has ended and the war has been won. Though the darkness may be the thorn in my side, Knowing in Whom I trust can help me stem the tide. The darkness will still come, but I don't have to let it take hold. I can feel peace here and now, because I'm part of Thy fold. I wrote that today during church when I was having a hard time focusing. These last few weeks (and months) have been rougher for me in regards to depression then I've experienced for awhile now. Elder Neal A Maxwell said, "By pressing forward hopefully, we can, repeatedly and joyfully, stand on what was yesterday's distant horizon, thereby drawing even further hope from our very own experiences. Hence Paul described how "tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope" (Rom. 5:3-4). Therefore, we rightly sing of God, "We've proved him in days that are past". A few weeks ago I wrote the following about that quote - For whatever reason this makes me think of my experience with depression. Sometimes the future feels impossibly or unbearable. But when I break out of that cycle I find new strength. Ad as that cycle comes back time and time again I learn to be patient with (and to love) myself in those dark moments. Now when I'm down, sometimes the only thing I can hold onto is the knowledge that I will break through the darkness again, however long that may take. Experience tells me that the darkness won't hold me down forever. And that experience allows me to feel hope even in my darkest moments.