True happiness

Today I talked to my co-worker again. The last time we talked one-on-one was sometime in July when we went to lunch. She admitted to me that she’d been practically inactive all summer and had drunk twice in the previous week. There were complications with some other co-workers at her other job as well.

We had a nice looooooong talk. Most of the time it was simply her admitting that she knew she needed to talk to her bishop; she knew she needed to change her life. I just listened, and encouraged her to do what she knew was right. She talked to her bishop and felt a lot better. But the complications with her co-workers continued.

Her next visit with the bishop resulted in her being kicked-out of BYU. She was really disappointed, but as she’d told her bishop, she was willing to face the consequences for her choice. It was shortly thereafter that my phone died and I lost her number. We lost contact for at least a month if not longer.

Today we finally met up to have dinner together. Over the course of the visit I learned she is now living with her former co-worker. She’s not going to church, though she still believes in God. She said some really interesting things that caused me to think a lot.

First off, she had been inactive most of her youth, and only returned to church shortly after getting out of an abusive relationship. Her mother encouraged her to become active, and she did. She said that she felt like everything she had done over the past few years she only did because others expected it of her.

Second, she said that she had never felt happier than now.

It’s true that we shouldn’t do things simply for others. We can’t find happiness in living our lives the way our parents, friends, or church leaders want us to. We can’t even find happiness in living the way God wants us to. It is only in bringing our will in line with God’s that we can find that happiness.

As a child I remember thinking, “I don’t know that the church is true, but I know that my parents know it. One day I’ll know for myself, but for now, my parents’ testimony is enough for me.” Sometimes we have to rely on the faith of others when we find our own lacking, but we have to do all that we can to strengthen our own testimony so that we can stand alone when it is time.

Another thing that really got to me was that it brought back so many thoughts of Jonathan: “He’s happy the way he is now too. How will he ever come back?” Those thoughts haunt me, and I don’t have an answer. My co-worker came back in the first place because of a tragic situation. I pray that it won’t be another tragic situation that brings her back to the correct path someday. Nor do I hope it will take a tragedy to awake in Jonathan the testimony which he once had.

When we simply seek for God in times of need it is easier to abandon Him in times of plenty. We do not survive by eating a life’s worth of food in a year and then fasting for the remainder of our life. We eat every day! Why wait until we are spiritually famished to seek nourishment?

God will only give us as much as we are willing to receive. He pushes us to grow, and is patient with us when we fail. If we stop trying, He will not, nor can He force us to return. He gave us agency. He wills that every man might choose the right and thus return to His presence someday, but unless we make His will our own, we will never be truly happy in this life.

Learning from mistakes

Last week I experienced another first! Mom was trying to deliver some cheese to the Kurzers (the family that stayed with them in Tillamook for a few months). There was no parking on the side of the street available (at least not near their house), so we parked in a church parking lot despite the NO PARKING HERE sign that warned us we could be towed. I stayed in the car as Mom and Sheila went to deliver the cheese and visit for a little. Unfortunately Mom had the wrong address and couldn't find them. So she came back and called to get the correct address. On the second venture I decided to go with them, figuring the car would be fine. After all, I'd been there for 10 minutes and nothing happened. When we returned from the 5 minute visit, the car was gone.

The first thing I felt was fear that the car had been stolen. When we called and confirmed that it had been towed, the feelings were a mixture of relief and annoyance. For crying out loud, we'd only left the car unattended for 5 minutes! We weren't parking over night or attending a conference on campus! We were delivering a present to old friends!! Now we had to inconvenience the same people we'd just visited to get a ride to the towing company. Thankfully we were able to laugh at the situation, although the annoyance was still there a little.

As I thought back on the situation, I had to agree with my mother: we knew what the sign said, and we knew the risk we were taking. How could we be upset that something happened when we were already warned about it? How could we glare at or scold the towing man for doing exactly what the sign said he would? We couldn't be mad, not at them at least. We could be mad at or disappointed in ourselves, but not at them.

In life it is much the same way. Sometimes we push our luck, going out on limbs the Lord has warned us not to. We know the consequences attached to those choices, yet when justice comes, we are angry at God. How could God really let that happen to me? He didn't let it happen, we did. God gave us free agency so we could learn from our choices. If He were to shield us from the consequences of our actions, then what value would free agency be to us? We would learn nothing! To be honest, I'm grateful we were towed. I'm grateful that I was able to understand the importance of heeding the warnings we've been given. I only pray I will continue to heed those warnings and learn from the times I fail to do so.