Barátnõm

They say "To love is to see the face of God" my friend.
I hold your hand and ask you to pray that the pain will end,
For it is 2 in the morning and the agony is too great.
Yet you remind me it’s up to our Father, and upon Him we must wait.

Each little movement causes you to grimace, the pain is so real,
But you understand that every hurt, in time, Christ will heal.
Your face is serene and your countenance is so calm,
And it is you that comforts me with my hand in your palm.

The peace that you radiate despite the aching that is within
Reminds me of He who lived and died without sin.
I can’t help but think of Christ who suffered to the end,
For truly I see the face of God within you, my friend.

Never alone

6:30. Time to get up. It’s still dark, and so cold without my blanket! But it’s time to get up. I’ve gotta follow the rules. It’s time to stretch. My companion is still asleep. I’m tired of trying to wake her up. She was still awake and working on something last night when I finally fell asleep around 11. I don’t understand her.

6:45. Ooooh, it’s chilly on the floor, but stretching feels good. Being alone….not so much. Why do I always feel so alone? I’m with someone almost 24/7. I guess physically being with someone doesn’t fulfill the need for friendship and companionship. It takes both parties, and I’m still learning how to do my part better. For now, I just feel alone. Every morning. By myself stretching.

6:50. Why? Why am I always so alone? You know, I guess I’m not really alone. There are tens of thousands of missionaries all over the world. At least a few thousand of them woke up at the same time as I did. Most of them are probably exercising or stretching right now too. Some of them might even be like me, no companion next to them. But we’re all together. None of us are alone in this work. Suddenly, I don’t feel so lonely.

It’s been over 2 years since I came home. Without a companion I find myself alone a lot more often, but I don’t feel lonely. Being alone and feeling alone are quite different things. We never have to feel alone when we stop and realize that someone else somewhere in time has gone through, or is going through, exactly what we are facing.

What’s hard for me is watching someone I love struggle with something I have never faced. How I wish I could take that hurt they feel away from them! Let me feel it! Give them a rest from the pain and anguish! Give their burden to me, even if for only a brief moment. Help me to understand what they are going through so I can comfort them!

But I can’t. It doesn’t work that way. And then I remember, it’s not meant to work that way. Christ has already done that for my friend. He’s done that for everyone. He’s felt everything we’ve ever felt or will ever feel. He understands my pain. He understands the pain of my friend. None of us are alone.

There will always be One we can turn to, One who knows us, One who understands us. I cannot understand my friend’s pain, but He can. He can comfort her where I can’t. Knowing that brings me comfort as well.

When those we love suffer, being there to console and comfort them is a wonderful thing to do, but ultimately the best thing we can do is help them find the comfort that only Christ can give. Turn their focus to the One who understands them, and they will never need to feel alone.

A sudden gust of gravity

Wednesday evening I was so stressed and tired. I hadn't been in the best of moods the previous few days. After 4 1/2 hours of work and 5 1/2 hours of school, I was ready to call it a day. My head hurt, I was hungry and tired. Institute was starting in 30 minutes, and I was really torn as to whether or not I could handle going emotionally or physically.

My roommate encouraged me to go, and I realized that with how down I had been, going would probably do far more to raise my spirits than staying home moping would. And so I went!

The topic was on Time Management and Goal Setting. The teacher started by having a member of the stake (John) come up and juggle. He started with two balls, juggling them simply while explaining how a certain group of jugglers take to the street and teach random people the basics of juggling. As he talked he kept adding balls until he was juggling five. He made it look so natural! It was amazing!! At one point he dropped one of the balls. Without missing a beat he said, "Wow, there was a sudden gust of gravity!" He picked up the ball and kept going.

After his performance the class discussed the similarities between time management and juggling. For one, we all need to remember that we will drop a LOT of balls before we start catching them. John explained that he started in a room with a high ceiling just tossing up two balls as high as he could and catching them. He said he would face one direction until he ran into the wall, would turn around and proceed in the other direction until he collided again. It takes a lot of practice and patience to learn how to juggle the various tasks in our life, and yes, we WILL run into the wall on occasion. We must remember to turn around and keep going.

John has been juggling since he was a small boy, yet he still dropped a ball! Did he get frustrated and embarrassed? Did he give up and turn his back on juggling ever again? No, but rather he laughed and picked right back up where he was. We are not professional jugglers. So many things demand our time and attention. Sometimes we seem to have less and less time for the necessities of life. We feel inadequate and weak because we can't do everything we want to all the time. We drop the ball. That is no excuse to quit. Pick it back up again. If you really can't handle it, keep juggling with what you have and when the time is right to try again, you'll know.

I was talking to my sister about the principle of time management and how I loved that John said, "There was a sudden gust of gravity!" She pointed out something I hadn't thought of. To juggle you must fight gravity. You are going against a law that is pulling down what you are sending up. I guess now that I think of it, in order to juggle, gravity is necessary. By doing your part and letting gravity do its part a beautiful art is created.

The struggles we face in life aren't obstacles meant to pull us down, but gifts given to us to help us grow and reach our potential. Stumbling will happen. Stressful days will overwhelm us at times. Our plate will seem filled beyond that which we can handle. How can we do it all? It's not so much what we're doing that matters, but what we're becoming. Keep going.

One last thing that stuck out to me was the following concept:

Always have a plan for your life, but remember that it is Plan B. When the Lord presents plan A, be prepared to change your plans.

The Lord knows best. He will lead and guide us when we most need it. Other times He will let us choose our own paths. Don't give up on this road of life. Gravity will pull us down. We will drop the ball. We will be tired and discouraged. But we can do it. We all can. Never forget that.

The Silent Treatment

My roommates and I love teasing each other when we're not home. "As soon as we get home, I'm giving you the silent treatment!"

That joke never gets old to us!

As frustrating as it can be to not be able to express everything we feel as quickly nor as clearly as we're used to, I think we all find pleasure in the silence of our apartment. I know I do. Of course it's not perfectly silent. The dishwasher hums, we listen to music, we watch a TV show, we laugh out-loud. But compared to other apartments, we are a very quiet place!

Every day we are surrounded by noise. Cell phones ringing, cars passing, music blaring. More often than not we zone out the unnecessary din and only focus on what we want to hear. No matter how valiant our effort, the noise is still there, bidding for our attention.

I love hiking in the mountains, escaping from civilization and experiencing the blessed removal of man made noise. Life seems to come into better focus, priorities tend to fall into place, and God's power becomes so evident and undeniable when I remove myself from the hectic bustle of day-to-day life.

The silence soothes my soul. It rejuvenates me.

It is so peaceful.

A wonderful, wonderful day!!

Today was Destiny's birthday!!! It was so much fun planning what we roommates could do for her!!!

This morning Alex, Rebekah, and I woke Destiny up by singing Happy Birthday to her, after which Alex and I promptly left for work.


On campus I wondered how I could possibly decorate Destiny's office when it would be vacated at 2:45 and she normally showed up at 3. Thankfully Tucker ran into me and agreed to help, and Rebekah later texted offering to help as well. I texted Destiny and we decided to meet in the Wilk at three (little did she know that was to keep her away from her office while we decorated!). Alex and Aubry both met up with us as well, and they were gracious enough to finish the decorating while I ran off to distract Destiny.

We had a fun time eating lunch together (Alex joined us as well). We said our goodbyes and parted ways. Alex had a class on the same floor as Destiny's office, and she texted me saying-"She saw and came and attacked me with a hug in class! Love it, so surprised! Has no idea about tonight :)".


Darci and I met up an hour later on campus, and stopped by Destiny's office to give her a hug before we headed home. Apparently she had earlier told Alex, "I work late tonight...so party at home without me". Mwhahahaha! Little did she know.

A little while after arriving home Darci and I went to pick up dinner at Panda Express (one of Destiny's favorites), and then swung by home again to pick up Aubry and head to campus. Together we had signed up for Destiny's ASL Lab for one hour and fifteen minutes. Rebekah had talked to her boss and received permission for us to both decorate the room and eat with her at work.

Alex had the first shift, and acted as if it was a normal session she had signed up for, just chatting with Destiny.

In the meantime, Aubry, Darci and I waited near the office for Rebekah to show up from her class. As 7 o'clock neared, Destiny left her office to see if another student was waiting to be helped. When I saw her I froze and then quickly ran away and motioned for Aubry and Darci to do likewise. Destiny, being confused, came out farther and saw both of them (she later described us as looking like deer frozen in front of car headlights) before Alex literally hauled her back into the office.


Rebekah showed up mere moments after that, and we all entered her office signing Happy Birthday. We then had a WONDERFUL time visiting with each other and eating dinner together. I feel so much love between all of us. You can tell that we genuinely care for each other, and it means so much to me.

Destiny was so touched. We could tell it meant a lot to her, which only increased our joy and gratitude for the opportunity to make someone we love so much so happy!

What a beautiful day it has been!!!

Logan or bust!!

Saturday morning Darci ran her first ever marathon!! We really wanted to support her, so some of us drove to Logan to surprise her. We had a blast on the ride up! We stopped at a Walmart in Logan to buy a poster and make a sign to cheer her on.

When we found the racers we picked a spot near the end to cheer her on. Thirty minutes later Destiny received a text from Darci saying she'd finished the race!! We were sad that we missed her, but we had fun cheering other runners on in the meantime.

After discovering Darci had finished the race we called her and found out where she was staying. We drove there and had a fun time congratulating her and finding out how the race had gone. We were a little sad we missed seeing her run, but that visit made it worth it.

She told us that at mile 20 she was so tired and just wanted to give up. She found strength in remembering that God will never give up on her, and that she should never give up on herself either.

We ended our visit with a prayer together, offered by Darci. What a beautiful and heartfelt prayer! The Spirit was very strong. I'm so grateful for the example my roommates are to me. We're all so different, yet we're the same. We're all just trying to be the best people we can be. That's what matters.

What makes us friends....

A few nights ago Alex and I stayed up talking until well after midnight. We were talking about how interesting it is that we feel so close as roommates despite the fact that we communicate so much less with each other than we did with past roommates. How, when we barely talk to each other, could we have become friends so fast?

Alex made two points I had never really thought about:

First, we've come to know each other by simply watching each other. We see what we're like by what we do. We don't judge each other from frivolous conversations about the weather or school. You see someone do the dishes, and you are so grateful. Someone gives you a hug because you look down, and you love them more for it. We're more observant.

Second, it is REALLY hard for us to do anything when talking to each other. I'm starting to get to the point where I can listen to music and still understand what someone is signing to me. But reading a book, doing homework, making dinner, etc., is very hard to do while someone is talking to you. When one of us starts to talk, everyone stops what they are doing to focus on them. We pay attention, because we have to. So often we talk to people while they are watching a movie or reading a book, and they only half listen and respond. I'm guilty of that. However, here we "listen" to each other because we need to, and it makes such a difference in our relationships with each other.

I won't always live here, but I hope I can carry those lessons with me for life: the importance of observing the actions of others and showing gratitude, and focusing on others when they are trying to communicate with me.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to live with such wonderful friends!